WHEN GOD ANSWERS YOUR UNSURE PRAYERS

It has been a long gap between entries.  There is a reason for it.  I find myself from the splendorous view of the mountaintop to the desolate experience of a desert walk, not my first, where, seemingly God is silent.  A two year high followed by silence, separation and solitude - an emptiness I created.  I prayed for brokenness, not knowing the extent of the fallout which would ensue by my own power, my own strength.  Last summer, my blog entry included a review of a book I was given to read, "A Tale of Three Kings." For me, my journey from mountaintop to desert began with this book. I identified a life long problem with authority like so many kings from our Biblical heritage.  Convinced I, more David than Saul at times, soon discovered the opposite to be true. This child, forced to be parent to her earthly father's inner child, seemed to have authority tousled and turned into a paradigm which only made sense in her, indeed, in my world.  The world I organized, mastered, perfected and seemed to manage with a leader's admirable capability.  But, perfection is over-rated and mastering is fine unless the price is an undue cost to others. Organization is a gift, a spiritual gift in fact, but imposed upon another can deplete the free spirit making its home there. And leadership, also a spiritual gift, is a quality to be valued and carefully honed, although graciously entrusted to those chosen by God in situations where He has chosen leaders for you.

Broken, indeed.  My husband of 22 years and I are divorcing. I find my issues with authority allowed me to miss the most basic principle we are asked, as women.

"Wives, understand and support your husbands in ways that show your support for Christ. The husband provides leadership to his wife the way Christ does to his church, not by domineering but by cherishing. So just as the church submits to Christ as he exercises such leadership, wives should likewise submit to their husbands."  Ephesians 5:22-23

I didn't always do that. In fact, mostly, I took the lead.  I was a survivor at a young age, so that is all I knew how to do.  Don't misunderstand. Divorce was our decision, not God's.  But, we also know he will bring good from all things (Romans 8:28) and trust Him as we begin a new journey learning from our own mistakes and missteps.  God wastes nothing. He alone will use everything for His glory, even the unraveling of one of His most precious gifts -- the cleaving of man and woman as one.

Who has not secretly thought at some point in their Christian walk, "be careful what you pray for!"  You know them well, don't you?  Those prayers you are unsure about.  For example, maybe, you want a child so badly, but you pray, "God if it is your will for me to be childless, help me to accept it." Deep inside you agonize whether you really have this much strength and trust as you surrender with everything that you are, tears streaming down your face and, in the next breath, you want to yank it all back! "God, no!  Please, I want this child. "

I recall this feeling as I prayed for brokenness. Did I really, really want to learn how to respect authority better, if it meant breaking me, again?  I have found it unbearable for months to be in this position, yet I have faith in a mighty God that not only is He talking to me, I will be forgiven and redeemed.  I already have.  Someday, when I am squarely focused on Him again, I will hear His sweet voice speaking to my heart and know He has been carrying me through this difficult time, maybe even proud of me for my willingness to surrender complete authority to the only One deserving of it. 

In the meantime, please pray for my broken family.  Sometimes, most times, our actions have ripple effects that cannot be mended by any other than our Mighty God whose sovereignty over all and whose healing power and unconditional love surpasses all understanding.

And, as you add us to your prayer lists, please do not forget the people of the ECC in Capljina. Many of the young people are greeting the next year with Spring plans for weddings of their own.  May they learn from those who have walked this road before them, while setting their unions firmly, securely in God's plan for marriage. Pastor Bernard is finishing up his Bachelors degree with hopes of raising enough money to complete Masters study and continues to look for more partnerships for the church. 

A prayer for our families, here and abroad.

"For this reason I kneel before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth derives its name. I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.

Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever!  Amen." 
Ephesians 3:14-21

Humbly and with great gratitude,
Kathy